I'm Scared; Anxiety Sucks.

I'm scared.

I'm worried of falling backwards. I know where my head was a long time ago, and I never want it to go there again.

I'm scared of hurting someone, when I can't control myself.

I'm scared I'll have another panic attack.

I'm scared of passing out again. I don't want to go in an ambulance.

I'm scared I won't get my anxiety under control and I won't be able to work.

I'm scared everyone will get frustrated and push me away.

I don't want people to worry about me.

I don't like lunch. The noise, the smells. A lot of my high anxiety and attacks in the past were there.

I'm worried about messing up.

I'm not worried about losing my job anymore, but I'm worried I'll reach a point where I can't do it anymore.

I'm scared I'll have another sensory meltdown and panic attack. They're worse than just a panic attack. I lose control and can't remember.

I'm scared of my coworker.

I'm worried I won't be able to get to a point where I'm comfortable around her again. But I want to.

I'm scared that this is just another circle like always. But I know she's more aware.

I forget how to communicate. How to have a conversation. I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I don't know how many times we have to go over the same things. I really want to be able to work with her not in silence. I want to be able to have a conversation like before. I want to be able just to say good morning like before.

I don't know how to work on it. To get there. I don't know if it will just come once the anxiety improves. I don't know. And I don't like not knowing.

I'm worried I'll hurt myself; that I'll get distracted and pinball around. It's not the injury I'm worried about, but everyone else's concern.

I'm worried I'll reach a point where I don't talk at all. Like at school.

I'm worried I won't be able to joke around anymore.

I'm scared of being yelled at.

I'm scared that all the work I've put in, learning everything, figuring out how to navigate customers, coworkers, everything in the last 5 years, has come unravelled. That everyone will see me as the fraud I am. That I really have no idea what's going on half the time. That my conversations are scripted from tv shows and movies. That all the work trying to be normal, trying to fit in, was all for not. And they'll treat me differently. They'll treat me like I'm dumb.

I'm worried about disappointing people or making them mad.

I feel bad that others have to step up, and do more work because I can't come in.

I worry about forgetting my script when dealing with customers. Making them mad.

Anxiety sucks. There's no other word. It sucks. I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm not in control of my brain. I hate feeling like I'm loosing control. I hate spiralling. I hate being scared of my own brain.

I feel like a failure.

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