What is Anxiety? (Anxious Ramblings)

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a monster, living in my head; tormenting my brain. Suckling out my joy and rational. Anxiety is like a dementor.

It makes me do things I don't want to do.
Feel things I don't want to feel.

I know my thoughts are irrational, I know sometimes there is no reasoning behind them. So you would think that would help, but it doesn't.

I feel frustrated and angry; if I know it's irrational why can't I just stop the anxiety?

But I can't. I'm not in control. The monster is controlling my brain.

And people ask me how they can help. Which causes me anxiety because, why do they want to help? I literally can not wrap my head around the concept. (Is this anxiety related or autism related?)

However on the other hand, I want to help them; I would do anything to help them. I worry about them obsessively. What if they get in a car accident? What if something happens to them? And if they need help, I don't know how to help them.

To help me I need patience. I can give them patience; I just don't have any patience for myself.

I need patience because I'm overanaylizing everything. I need you to repeat the same confirmations over and over again; to keep the monster at bay. Telling myself it isn't enough, even if you say the same thing I'm thinking. Just having someone re-confirm my thoughts helps.

I don't want to ask for help. I feel like a burden to you. I feel like every word out of my mouth is an annoyance.

And you ask if I'm okay. I'm not. But I'm afraid of the rejection. I want to spill my guts. Tell you about the irrational thoughts plaguing my head. The constant headache, and other physical symptoms.
That I feel out of control, and I'm spiraling.
I want to tell someone.
But what if you think I'm just looking for attention?

I'm not. I hate attention. I hate having eyes on me, watching me.

I'm scared you'll push me away. Say my issues are too much to deal with like the others. The others that wanted to help me, but when they realized it wasn't going to be easy they ditched me. Alone.

You'll tell me it's all in my head, just let it go. And I'll sheepishly walk away defeated.

I'm afraid if I open up you'll think I'm just being dramatic. Maybe you really don't care and were just trying to be polite. But in reality you couldn't care less about me.

I'm afraid of opening myself up, because I've been let down many times before.

I can't let things go. Do you think I want to remember everytime I was pushed to the ground. Every time I was bullied. I can't. One of the unfortunate symptoms of Autism is obsessing. Combine that with OCD and I'm screwed. These memories and experiences are constantly there. Fresh as though they happened yesterday. I can't just let it go. Believe me I wish I could.

Anxiety is a monster inside of my head. Tormenting me, every waking hour. My thoughts just feeding it, making it grow bigger.

I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright.

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