Something Clicked Anxious Ramblings

Something clicked today.

I've been beating myself up over my anxiety.

Trying prove I'm better than it; trying to prove I can work.

Trying to accomplish 8 hours worth of work in only 4 hours. Then beating myself up when I couldn't get it done.

Obsessing that if I don't finish things my boss will be mad. They'll yell at me. Be disappointed in me.

Obsessing that this is my job I need to complete everything. I have to prove to myself I can do this.

Losing control of my area because someone else is filling in for me. Moving everything, and leaving messes.

Getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to get done on my list. My list, which I created myself, full of unrealistic expectations.

But today I was at work, and started to panic because I don't have enough time to get my list done. (My list which had three days worth of work on it, that I wanted to complete in 4 hours)

And I'm Panicking. I breathe faster, my heart races; I go non-verbal. I'm shaking and rocking. My head feels like it's going to explode.

It's not as bad as previous attacks, but still not pleasant.

My boss helps me calm down.

I write that I can't do everything on my list.

And she says it's been 29 Minutes. You've been here 29 Minutes. You and I working together couldn't get this done in 29 minutes.

She tells me there's no expectation that I have to do it all today.

She asks me if she ever in the past had ridden me about not aconplishing things on a normal day.

No.

And that's when it clicked.

My irrational fears of impending doom; of being yelled at or scolded by my boss. Not being good enough at my job right now. Waiting on edge for her to say something about the mess or lack of quality. Irrational.

I had built this fear up, with no reasoning behind it. I would say making a mou taint out of a molehill; but there was no molehill to begin with. Just my own insecurities.

And though I knew they were irrational. It wasn't until she told me, that I actually believed it.

It feels like in the mystery puzzle of anxiety, I put a few pieces together today. I can start to make out what the entire scene is.

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