The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

What is anxiety? Anxiety is a monster, living in my head; tormenting my brain. Suckling out my joy and rational. Anxiety is like a dementor. It makes me do things I don't want to do. Feel things I don't want to feel. I know my thoughts are irrational, I know sometimes there is no reasoning behind them. So you would think that would help, but it doesn't. I feel frustrated and angry; if I know it's irrational why can't I just stop the anxiety? But I can't. I'm not in control. The monster is controlling my brain. And people ask me how they can help. Which causes me anxiety because, why do they want to help? I literally can not wrap my head around the concept. (Is this anxiety related or autism related?) However on the other hand, I want to help them; I would do anything to help them. I worry about them obsessively. What if they get in a car accident? What if something happens to them? And if they need help, I don't know how to help them. To help me...

I frequent a number of Autism Forums, facebook groups, etc. For some reason there seems like there is a war going on about political correctness; splitting down the middle.  Is it Autistic or Person with Autism. I don't care. Well no, that's a lie. But my preference is based on logic and not personal feelings. In the English language "autistic" is an adjective. (Describing word) Which in grammar, goes before a noun (person, place, thing). For example: The black dog. Annoying Sibling. The eccentric scientist. If I rearrange the order it sounds weird. The dog that is black. Sibling who is annoying. The scientist who has eccentricities. It doesn't flow right. That's why I prefer to use the word autistic. Human beings label things. It's a subconscious part of being human. Without labels we wouldn't exist (this berry is poisonous).  However, it's the social construct that prevents us from saying these labels. Don't believe me? Go hang out with a gro...

I went on Google the other day, trying to search for other people’s experiences with Sensory Meltdowns. I was a bit shocked to see almost everything was about children. I think us adults on the spectrum (or with SPD) are under represented. I’m not sure if it’s because some grow out of it? Have better coping mechanisms? Or are just embarrassed to talk about. I get it, it’s humiliating. But I’m going to swallow my pride and talk about it anyway. I will disclose that the majority of the time my sensory meltdowns lead to panic attacks. So there are symptoms that overlap, or I don’t know which causes which. Things seem louder to me than to others. I also hear those tiny noises, you can’t hear unless I point them out. Usually I’m able to block these sounds by wearing earplugs. But sometimes the sounds win; or if my anxiety is higher it’s hard to regulate. During a Sensory Meltdown, I start to be unable to block out sounds. Every single noise is coming at me. Let’s say I’m in ...

**WARNING. This story contains possible triggers** Do you know what it’s like to be scared of your own brain? To spend each waking moment not knowing what is real or not? I do. A long time ago I suffered from Severe Depression (Which caused auditory and visual hallucinations) and Severe Anxiety and Panic Disorder Everyday was a struggle. I just wanted to lay in bed and fade away. School was a nightmare. Kids are merciless. Between the verbal/emotional, physical, and cyber bullying; nowhere was safe. I remember having panic attacks, my classmates pointing and laughing. Mocking me as I cried and shook. I remember the betrayal and hurt I felt when my “best friend” just stood there and laughed when the others picked on me. And then eventually told me she couldn’t handle my issues and wanted nothing to do with me. I spent the majority of my high school career being to scared to speak. (I suffered from Selective Mutism). Which made me the perfect targe...

I want you to imagine the most terrified you’ve ever felt. Maybe at a haunted house? Seeing a large spider? Losing your cellphone? Whatever it is, remember that feeling. How did you feel? Embrace that feeling; now triple it. I had a panic attack a few weeks ago. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had one — maybe a year ago? Of course there was a time I used to have them every day; I don’t like to talk about those times. But I’m better now. It was a high anxiety day: a lot of customers (which means crowds and noise), a busy holiday and a lot of things to get accomplished in a short amount of time. I also have anxiety working with a co-worker (which I’m working through, slowly). On this day I already had two incidents when my anxiety got too high and I had to get talked down. I’m getting better at realizing my limits and not getting embarrassed for asking for help. (Which leads to an ongoing joke of fake over-exaggeration when I do. Hum...

I'm scared. I'm worried of falling backwards. I know where my head was a long time ago, and I never want it to go there again. I'm scared of hurting someone, when I can't control myself. I'm scared I'll have another panic attack. I'm scared of passing out again. I don't want to go in an ambulance. I'm scared I won't get my anxiety under control and I won't be able to work. I'm scared everyone will get frustrated and push me away. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't like lunch. The noise, the smells. A lot of my high anxiety and attacks in the past were there. I'm worried about messing up. I'm not worried about losing my job anymore, but I'm worried I'll reach a point where I can't do it anymore. I'm scared I'll have another sensory meltdown and panic attack. They're worse than just a panic attack. I lose control and can't remember. I'm scared of my coworker. I'm w...

I'm not sure what this feeling is. It's positive, I think; but it's kind of nerve racking at the same time. “What can we do to help you?” Seven little words. Seven little words, asking me. Not telling me. But I'm actually being treated as an individual, not just a problem. My entire life I was told, “This is what we're doing.” and  “That didn't work so we're doing this now.” I can't recall once, being asked what I thought. Put me in the sensory room because that's what the other Autistic kids like. I had a therapist who was dead set on that meditation was the only solution to anxiety. (And just so happened to sell CDs that I should use) It doesn't work for me. If I have to picture another babbling brooke in my lifetime; I think I may snap. In school they would take me out of class and put me in the resource room. The room where the disruptive and/or special needs kids go when their teachers need a break. So yes school, let's put me ...

What a Panic Attack is like for me as someone on the Autism Spectrum. I want you to imagine the most terrified you've ever felt. Maybe at a haunted house? Seeing a large spider? Losing your cellphone? Whatever it is, remember that feeling, how did you feel? Embrace that feeling; now triple it. I had a Panic Attack last week. I honestly can't remember the last time I had one; I think last year? Of course there was a time I used to have them everyday; I don't like to talk about those times. But I'm better now. It was a high anxiety day; a lot of customers (which means crowds and noise), a busy Holiday, and a lot of things to get accomplished in a short amount of time. I also have anxiety working with a coworker (which I'm working through,slowly). On this day I already had two incidents when my anxiety got too high and I had to get talked down. I'm getting better at realising my limits, and not getting embarrassed for asking for help. (Which leads to an ongoing...

As a kid I would constantly come home with cuts and bruises, I couldn't explain or remember where they came from. Teachers would be suspicious of my “I don't know” answers when asked of injuries. But, I just don't feel pain the same as everyone else. In elementary school, it was a normal basketball practise. Running back and forth from basket to basket. I tripped (we joke it was over the blue line) and faceplated. The coach made me sit out for a few minutes because it was a nasty fall. I continued with practise and then walked home. My ankle hurt, like a minor sprain, and tingled a bit, but nothing major. I took a shower, and then watched TV. A couple hours later I look down and my ankle has blown up. It's 5 times the size. Scared, I call for my Mum. My parents take me to the ER, and xrays reveal a broken ankle. The next year, I get pushed, playing soccer and fall onto my hands. It kind of hurts, so I come off and we ice it. My parents are concerned after the ...

When you look at my family photos, you see what looks to be a ‘normal’ happy family. A happily married couple, and their three kids. But there's so much more in that picture you can't see. I'm the oldest of my siblings, the big brother. But I'm not the big brother society says I should be. Based on societal expectations I should be the protector, I should be the mature one. I should be the first to reach milestones in my life. I have two siblings, Charlie who is 20, and Jenna who is 18, I'm 22, and the only one with Autism. I have never been to college; Charlie is in a 5 year engineering program, and Jenna is in school to become a therapist. Charlie and Jenna both got their licenses at 16; and are now both fully licensed. I'm still in the process of getting it. Charlie has brought home so many girls I've lost count; Jenna has had two boyfriends. I've never been in a relationship (not that I have any interest in one). Charlie and Jenna both have l...

This post is featured on The Mighty: https://themighty.com/2018/04/autism-acceptance-workplace/ 80% of people on the Autism Spectrum are unemployed. For the 20% of those of us who are employed. Only 13.9% work full-time. I am one of those 13.9% How lucky do I consider myself? Extremely. I feel like I rolled a natural 20 in D&D, found twenty dollars on the ground, and found the perfect parking spot, all rolled into one. It wasn't easy to say the least. It was a combination of determination, a bit of luck, and an amazing, supportive workplace. I started my job at the local grocery store as a co-op student through my high school. (A co-op student is someone who works for free for a few hours during the school week. And in exchange you get some school credits). I did a mock interview, which I failed. I mean, really failed. Every question I messed up, I stuttered and stammered; ummed and ahhed. It was an absolute disaster. The first semester, I think the number of words I s...