The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

I am not an artist, nor am I a writer. But I found relief as I drew this, and as I write this. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads this, for I feel better just putting it out there. I have an anxiety disorder (as well as a handful of other issues) every day it feels like I’m spinning a wheel of misfortune. Never knowing what anxiety symptoms I will have; making my anxiety harder to plan for and deal with. One day I could stutter, and feel a tightness in my chest. The next day I’m throwing up anything I eat. I could be hyped up, that I’m bouncing around like a pinball; running into things and tripping over my own two feet. No two days are the same for me. I’ve tried developing coping strategies, but when your opponent is a monster spinning a random wheel, the odds are stacked against you. There are some symptoms easier to deal with than others. Tics are preferred; well at least the lesser ones (biting my cheek, lifting my head up, or yawning). Half s...

When my anxiety spikes I start to suffer from tics— a sudden, repetitive, non-rhythmic movement involving a distinct muscle group- like an eye twitch. I wouldn't call a tic involuntary persay, (they're definitely not wanted) maybe semi-voluntary. Let me try to explain. You know that feeling when you get an itch, that you have to scratch it. The longer you don't, the worst it itches; until you finally give in to that sweet relief. A tic is similar to that. I can feel it coming, and can try to hold it back; until the feeling is too much. (I find holding it in makes the tic more violent than just getting it over with) Over the years I've gone through a number of different tics, some less noticeable than others, some more painful than others. I've gone through tapping my leg, swatting myself in the face, opening and closing my hand, a kind of half shoulder shrug thing (that's still my main one), looking up (that's my secondary one), flicking my tongue, the ...

The problem is my brain doesn't instantly see the 'constructive' part of constructive criticism. It automatically senses the criticism, and puts up walls to protect from it. It feels like an attack, that I'm a bad person. Some suggestions make me think that I’m not competent without help, that I’m not smart enough, that somehow I’m not good enough, that I don’t measure up to the others. Obviously it's irrational, but in the moment my brain is in red alert, Deathcon 5. 99% of the time their comments are relevant and helpful. But it takes me a bit to get there. I have to dissect the comment; calming my brain to start. It's not a sock from Monster's Inc! Once I get my system back in order, I can figure out what they are suggesting, and how I can implement it. And it also depends on who is saying it. If two people say the same thing, my reactions can be different. If I trust them, my walls may only go up partly; whereas if they're a jerkface, my walls are ...

When I was a kid, social cliques and the like were simple. At recess you played with whoever you wanted, depending on what you wanted to do that day. Sports with the boys, or pretend with the girls; I'm generalizing a bit for clarity sake. Boys and girls did mix back and forth, but more boys played sports and vice versa. The boys would play sports; kickball, soccer, 4 square, basketball, etc. I wasn't the best athlete, nor was I the worst. But sports had rules, and a structure; it made sense. Even if we made up our own versions of the game, there were rules you had to follow. The girls would play pretend. House, Princesses, a tv show, etc. Unlike the autistic stereotype, I actually have an overactive imagination. There were rules, well more like guidelines; everyone had a role, and it fit in the situation. I was usually a non-human character; a dog, dragon, whatever. Humans are confusing. That's how recess would go, it made sense, and majority of people got along. The...

Society deems having high functioning Autism as, in layman's terms, how well you pass as "normal". Now, I put normal in quotations, because what really is normal? We live in a world filled with so many interesting and different cultures, that what's "normal" to someone in America, is abnormal somewhere in Asia. Even in the same country, city; families have different "normal". Going beyond the parents (1 Mum, 1 Dad; 2 Dads; Step Parents, etc.) I remember classmates being picked up by their parents after school; they would swear and disrespect them without consequence. If my siblings or I tried saying some of those things that our peers did, our parents would knock our heads off! Maybe not literally, but we would be in trouble. A lot of trouble. When I think of the word normal. What comes to mind is, I believe, Einstein's quote, "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life be...

Something clicked today. I've been beating myself up over my anxiety. Trying prove I'm better than it; trying to prove I can work. Trying to accomplish 8 hours worth of work in only 4 hours. Then beating myself up when I couldn't get it done. Obsessing that if I don't finish things my boss will be mad. They'll yell at me. Be disappointed in me. Obsessing that this is my job I need to complete everything. I have to prove to myself I can do this. Losing control of my area because someone else is filling in for me. Moving everything, and leaving messes. Getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to get done on my list. My list, which I created myself, full of unrealistic expectations. But today I was at work, and started to panic because I don't have enough time to get my list done. (My list which had three days worth of work on it, that I wanted to complete in 4 hours) And I'm Panicking. I breathe faster, my heart races; I go non-verbal. I...

What is anxiety? Anxiety is a monster, living in my head; tormenting my brain. Suckling out my joy and rational. Anxiety is like a dementor. It makes me do things I don't want to do. Feel things I don't want to feel. I know my thoughts are irrational, I know sometimes there is no reasoning behind them. So you would think that would help, but it doesn't. I feel frustrated and angry; if I know it's irrational why can't I just stop the anxiety? But I can't. I'm not in control. The monster is controlling my brain. And people ask me how they can help. Which causes me anxiety because, why do they want to help? I literally can not wrap my head around the concept. (Is this anxiety related or autism related?) However on the other hand, I want to help them; I would do anything to help them. I worry about them obsessively. What if they get in a car accident? What if something happens to them? And if they need help, I don't know how to help them. To help me...