Selective Mutism

I suffered from Selective Mutism when I was younger.

I know technically you can’t be diagnosed with Selective Mutism if you’re on the Autism Spectrum; however my doctor did.
Selective Mutism is an anxiety disorder, where you physically can not speak. Or for some people they can only speak to certain people. But have no communication difficulties elsewhere (like at home).

If you’ve ever seen the show The Big Bang Theory, there’s a character on there who can’t speak when he’s around women. And can only whisper into the ear of a close friend. I find the portrayal quite accurate to how I was. I would freeze up as soon as I was in the situation.
Most cases are in kids and they usually outgrow it; I didn’t develop it until I was in High School.

I can still vividly remember the first time it happened.

I was taking a test in the guidance office (quiet area); this was first thing in the morning, and I hadn’t needed to talk to anyone.

The guidance counselor comes out and starts a casual chat with me, and I tried to reply but nothing would come out.
I was already suffering from anxiety disorders, and panic attacks. But for some reason, maybe because I was taking a test, my anxiety went that step higher; I couldn’t make a sound.
It felt like what I imagine Ariel felt like when Ursula took her voice in the Little Mermaid.

It was scary, I’m actually surprised I didn’t have a panic attack.

Everything went downhill after that; soon I couldn’t speak as soon as I walked into the school. My anxiety would shut down my vocal chords.

I spent the majority of my high school career in silence. I spoke to my, it wasn’t a TA, but I had basically a babysitter, using sign language signs we learnt together, and written notes.

You can imagine how the other kids reacted. Especially when you’re already the weird kid; now you’re the weird kid who can’t fight back or tattle.
Yeah…. high school wasn’t great for me.
I wish I could say I grew out of it, but I didn’t. I just left the situation, I graduated.
Even now, in times of high anxiety, I still go mute.

I don’t know if it’s still selective mutism, or just my body’s reaction to high anxiety, shutting down non-vital functions. Maybe it’s related to my autism. I don’t know.

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