Hidden in the shadows: Suicide

People say suicide is a selfish act; obviously they've never been there.

In the moment, it's the exact opposite; dying would be the least selfish thing you could do. At that point, you feel like a burden, everyone has to suffer dealing with you. The world will be a better place, your family will have an easier life. Depression twists your thoughts and reality, creating this alternate universe in your mind.

If you've never experienced the crippling darkness, you don't get to judge me. Spend a few hours in my mind, and I'm sure you would want out too.

It wasn't about want to die persay, but about ending the emotional and physical pain. And dying seemed like the only way to make the pain stop. It was about escaping unbearable pain when I couldn’t see any other option. You're tired. Tired of fighting, tired of the pain. Tired of trying and failing. Death is the ultimate sleep.

It wasn't because I didn't have help. I had family, doctors, and therapists to reach out to. But my anxiety would push my depression over the edge. Each edging each other on, making themselves worse. I just wanted to feel normal again. I wanted the anxiety to go away. I tried everything to fix it. Eventually I felt hopeless and felt the only way to stop it was by taking my own life.

Suicide has stages. I didn't wake up one day and decided that today I was going to die. It actually takes a lot more effort. I like to think everyone has thoughts of dying. Thinking how easy it would be to take a few extra pills. But they're just thoughts easily pushed out of your head. There's no intent. And it's not until there's intent, that there's a situation. When the thoughts turn to plans, that's when there's a situation. When you start figuring out how many pills would actually kill you, and not make you sick. When you try and figure out the best method to not get caught. And where to do it, so you don't make a mess.

That's when it gets serious.

But it doesn't always go as planned, something could tip you over the edge before you have the energy to try.

And you end up attempting a half-arsed attempt. Failing. You're brain wasn't clear, it couldn't think, it was clouded. You just wanted the pain to stop, so you grabbed whatever was nearest. But it didn't work; didn't even come close.

If you look closely, you can still see the scars on your arms; some more noticeable than others.

Attempting suicide is not you being weak. It's trying to take action, to stop the pain. Is it the best course of action? Of course not. Don't think for a single moment I'm glorifying suicide. I'm just trying to explain it for those lucky people who have never been there.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, that in the moment, doesn't feel temporary.

It's a last resort, when nothing else worked. And your brain decides, in it's damaged state, that this is the best course of action.

You're tired of the therapies, tired of the pills, tired of being numb, tired of the pain, just tired all around.

It's something that needs to stop being hidden in the shadows.

Something that needs to stop being heard in nervous whispering.

It's that stigma that makes people afraid to ask for help. Because they know they will be shamed, and pointed at. Or even told they're just looking for attention.

Suicide should be treated the same as an Asthma attack, or a heart attack. It's just as serious, just as deadly.

Stop shoving it into a box in your closet. Talk about it. Don't be afraid of saying the word.

Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.