The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

I suffered from Selective Mutism when I was younger. I know technically you can’t be diagnosed with Selective Mutism if you’re on the Autism Spectrum; however my doctor did. Selective Mutism is an anxiety disorder, where you physically can not speak. Or for some people they can only speak to certain people. But have no communication difficulties elsewhere (like at home). If you’ve ever seen the show The Big Bang Theory, there’s a character on there who can’t speak when he’s around women. And can only whisper into the ear of a close friend. I find the portrayal quite accurate to how I was. I would freeze up as soon as I was in the situation. Most cases are in kids and they usually outgrow it; I didn’t develop it until I was in High School. I can still vividly remember the first time it happened. I was taking a test in the guidance office (quiet area); this was first thing in the morning, and I hadn’t needed to talk to anyone. The gui...

It's okay to ask for help. I don't know why I struggle with it, actually I dont struggle, I refuse it. I could have a broken foot, carrying armfuls of grocery bags, trying to open a door, while my crutches are falling from my grasp, and still not ask for help. People see the scene before them, and rush to help. I guarantee 90% of people would (at least the Canadians would). But what if you're metaphorically doing all that in your head; anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. You're struggling, you need help, but no one can see it until it's too late. Why don't we ask for help? For me it's a combination of shame, fear, stubbornness, and failed past results. I don't know what to say; how do you ask for help? I worry how people will react, do to bad experiences in the past; and I feel guilty, because I'm taking them away from something they're doing. I should be able to handle it alone. When I was a kid, (I have autism which isn't the main poin...

People say suicide is a selfish act; obviously they've never been there. In the moment, it's the exact opposite; dying would be the least selfish thing you could do. At that point, you feel like a burden, everyone has to suffer dealing with you. The world will be a better place, your family will have an easier life. Depression twists your thoughts and reality, creating this alternate universe in your mind. If you've never experienced the crippling darkness, you don't get to judge me. Spend a few hours in my mind, and I'm sure you would want out too. It wasn't about want to die persay, but about ending the emotional and physical pain. And dying seemed like the only way to make the pain stop. It was about escaping unbearable pain when I couldn’t see any other option. You're tired. Tired of fighting, tired of the pain. Tired of trying and failing. Death is the ultimate sleep. It wasn't because I didn't have help. I had family, doctors, and therapist...

I am not an artist, nor am I a writer. But I found relief as I drew this, and as I write this. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads this, for I feel better just putting it out there. I have an anxiety disorder (as well as a handful of other issues) every day it feels like I’m spinning a wheel of misfortune. Never knowing what anxiety symptoms I will have; making my anxiety harder to plan for and deal with. One day I could stutter, and feel a tightness in my chest. The next day I’m throwing up anything I eat. I could be hyped up, that I’m bouncing around like a pinball; running into things and tripping over my own two feet. No two days are the same for me. I’ve tried developing coping strategies, but when your opponent is a monster spinning a random wheel, the odds are stacked against you. There are some symptoms easier to deal with than others. Tics are preferred; well at least the lesser ones (biting my cheek, lifting my head up, or yawning). Half s...

When my anxiety spikes I start to suffer from tics— a sudden, repetitive, non-rhythmic movement involving a distinct muscle group- like an eye twitch. I wouldn't call a tic involuntary persay, (they're definitely not wanted) maybe semi-voluntary. Let me try to explain. You know that feeling when you get an itch, that you have to scratch it. The longer you don't, the worst it itches; until you finally give in to that sweet relief. A tic is similar to that. I can feel it coming, and can try to hold it back; until the feeling is too much. (I find holding it in makes the tic more violent than just getting it over with) Over the years I've gone through a number of different tics, some less noticeable than others, some more painful than others. I've gone through tapping my leg, swatting myself in the face, opening and closing my hand, a kind of half shoulder shrug thing (that's still my main one), looking up (that's my secondary one), flicking my tongue, the ...