The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

The problem is my brain doesn't instantly see the 'constructive' part of constructive criticism. It automatically senses the criticism, and puts up walls to protect from it. It feels like an attack, that I'm a bad person. Some suggestions make me think that I’m not competent without help, that I’m not smart enough, that somehow I’m not good enough, that I don’t measure up to the others. Obviously it's irrational, but in the moment my brain is in red alert, Deathcon 5. 99% of the time their comments are relevant and helpful. But it takes me a bit to get there. I have to dissect the comment; calming my brain to start. It's not a sock from Monster's Inc! Once I get my system back in order, I can figure out what they are suggesting, and how I can implement it. And it also depends on who is saying it. If two people say the same thing, my reactions can be different. If I trust them, my walls may only go up partly; whereas if they're a jerkface, my walls are ...

When I was a kid, social cliques and the like were simple. At recess you played with whoever you wanted, depending on what you wanted to do that day. Sports with the boys, or pretend with the girls; I'm generalizing a bit for clarity sake. Boys and girls did mix back and forth, but more boys played sports and vice versa. The boys would play sports; kickball, soccer, 4 square, basketball, etc. I wasn't the best athlete, nor was I the worst. But sports had rules, and a structure; it made sense. Even if we made up our own versions of the game, there were rules you had to follow. The girls would play pretend. House, Princesses, a tv show, etc. Unlike the autistic stereotype, I actually have an overactive imagination. There were rules, well more like guidelines; everyone had a role, and it fit in the situation. I was usually a non-human character; a dog, dragon, whatever. Humans are confusing. That's how recess would go, it made sense, and majority of people got along. The...

Society deems having high functioning Autism as, in layman's terms, how well you pass as "normal". Now, I put normal in quotations, because what really is normal? We live in a world filled with so many interesting and different cultures, that what's "normal" to someone in America, is abnormal somewhere in Asia. Even in the same country, city; families have different "normal". Going beyond the parents (1 Mum, 1 Dad; 2 Dads; Step Parents, etc.) I remember classmates being picked up by their parents after school; they would swear and disrespect them without consequence. If my siblings or I tried saying some of those things that our peers did, our parents would knock our heads off! Maybe not literally, but we would be in trouble. A lot of trouble. When I think of the word normal. What comes to mind is, I believe, Einstein's quote, "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life be...

Something clicked today. I've been beating myself up over my anxiety. Trying prove I'm better than it; trying to prove I can work. Trying to accomplish 8 hours worth of work in only 4 hours. Then beating myself up when I couldn't get it done. Obsessing that if I don't finish things my boss will be mad. They'll yell at me. Be disappointed in me. Obsessing that this is my job I need to complete everything. I have to prove to myself I can do this. Losing control of my area because someone else is filling in for me. Moving everything, and leaving messes. Getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to get done on my list. My list, which I created myself, full of unrealistic expectations. But today I was at work, and started to panic because I don't have enough time to get my list done. (My list which had three days worth of work on it, that I wanted to complete in 4 hours) And I'm Panicking. I breathe faster, my heart races; I go non-verbal. I...