The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

Some old “poetry” I found in my teenage journal. Let’s guess who owned a rhyming dictionary, shall we? I don’t know what’s wrong with me Am I really this messed I’m just like them, why can’t the see? I feel like I’m being possessed I don’t know what I feel I just want to fit in These wounds will always heal Want to fight back but I’ll never win I’m tired of the lies, the cuts and the bruises I’m sick of the pain, the hatred of me Forget the teachers and all their excuses Can’t we all just get along, wouldn't you agree? How many more times will I be kicked to the ground How many more times will I be insulted and mocked? Do they pick on me because I can’t make a sound? I run away but I’m being stalked. If you couldn’t guess, I was picked on a lot as a kid, and through my teens. I was the classic weird kid. Super smart, shy, practically mute, speech impediment, weird interests, weak, gullible.  I remember as a kid, maybe around 8 or 9 years old,

Autism is a spectrum, as are meltdowns. Even as an adult I can’t always prevent one, or get out of the situation before it happens. A lot of the time I don’t realize I’m heading towards one, while others around me can tell I am. A meltdown is not a temper tantrum. This is the biggest thing people need to know. Giving me what I want, yelling at me, or putting me in “time out” isn’t going to work. In fact it will likely make it worse. A meltdown occurs when my brain can’t function anymore. Often when I try to act “normal” for too long, or am bombarded with sensory input or anxiety, it shuts down, leaving only the necessary functions to survive. Trying to reason with me isn’t going to work. A meltdown feels like my brain is flipping a switch in my head. Like Bruce Banner becoming the Hulk; he can’t control it, and can’t control the Hulk when he’s the Hulk. On the mild end, my brain kind of implodes; I can’t talk, I can’t think. I’m just there. I can nod and shake my head. But I’m not