The Random Ramblings of an Autistic Guy

Autism is a spectrum, as are meltdowns. Even as an adult I can’t always prevent one, or get out of the situation before it happens. A lot of the time I don’t realize I’m heading towards one, while others around me can tell I am. A meltdown is not a temper tantrum. This is the biggest thing people need to know. Giving me what I want, yelling at me, or putting me in “time out” isn’t going to work. In fact it will likely make it worse. A meltdown occurs when my brain can’t function anymore. Often when I try to act “normal” for too long, or am bombarded with sensory input or anxiety, it shuts down, leaving only the necessary functions to survive. Trying to reason with me isn’t going to work. A meltdown feels like my brain is flipping a switch in my head. Like Bruce Banner becoming the Hulk; he can’t control it, and can’t control the Hulk when he’s the Hulk. On the mild end, my brain kind of implodes; I can’t talk, I can’t think. I’m just there. I can nod and shake my head. But I’m not

Having anxiety and autism is a double-sided blade. Everyday, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to act "normal"; trying to remember the proper greetings, eye contact, don't stim, remember that joke you heard on tv, the unwritten social rules that everyone knows except me. It's exhausting, but usually I have a pretty good grip on things, and most people don't know I'm autistic unless I tell them. But then the anxiety comes, and you reach a point where you have to decide whether you spend all your energy acting normal, or from not having an anxiety attack. And slowly, your battery depletes into emergency power from trying to do both. So you use what's left to hold off the anxiety, because for those of you who have never experienced an anxiety attack, I can't even begin to describe the terror. All the symptoms and characteristics of autism I was trying to hide creeps out. I start stimming more, and repeating phrases. I can't hold back talkin

A superhero, literally everyone knows is the Hulk; well I'm here to say that I'm the real life version of him. No I don't turn into a giant green monster, but it sure does feel like it. Everyday, I'm like Bruce Banner, mild-mannered, nerdy, and, I'll say it, pretty darn smart. But then my anxiety takes over and I transform into the Hulk; a completely different person who I can't control. Hulk has his strengths; he's super strong for one. And anxiety is good too, we needed it in caveman times for our fight or flight response. Like anxiety, Hulk often comes out when he's least wanted. A visual example is in Thor: Ragnarok, about 1hr and 14min in. Thor is trying to start a ship, but Hulk comes in and begins wrecking things. Frantic, Thor manages to pull up a video log of Natasha (Black Widow)- who is one of the few people who can calm Hulk and get him to return to Bruce. Hulk sees this video, as does Bruce, and Bruce wants to come back. Hulk begins hi

I suffered from Selective Mutism when I was younger. I know technically you can’t be diagnosed with Selective Mutism if you’re on the Autism Spectrum; however my doctor did. Selective Mutism is an anxiety disorder, where you physically can not speak. Or for some people they can only speak to certain people. But have no communication difficulties elsewhere (like at home). If you’ve ever seen the show The Big Bang Theory, there’s a character on there who can’t speak when he’s around women. And can only whisper into the ear of a close friend. I find the portrayal quite accurate to how I was. I would freeze up as soon as I was in the situation. Most cases are in kids and they usually outgrow it; I didn’t develop it until I was in High School. I can still vividly remember the first time it happened. I was taking a test in the guidance office (quiet area); this was first thing in the morning, and I hadn’t needed to talk to anyone. The guidance counselor comes out and starts a casual c

It's okay to ask for help. I don't know why I struggle with it, actually I dont struggle, I refuse it. I could have a broken foot, carrying armfuls of grocery bags, trying to open a door, while my crutches are falling from my grasp, and still not ask for help. People see the scene before them, and rush to help. I guarantee 90% of people would (at least the Canadians would). But what if you're metaphorically doing all that in your head; anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. You're struggling, you need help, but no one can see it until it's too late. Why don't we ask for help? For me it's a combination of shame, fear, stubbornness, and failed past results. I don't know what to say; how do you ask for help? I worry how people will react, do to bad experiences in the past; and I feel guilty, because I'm taking them away from something they're doing. I should be able to handle it alone. When I was a kid, (I have autism which isn't the main poin

People say suicide is a selfish act; obviously they've never been there. In the moment, it's the exact opposite; dying would be the least selfish thing you could do. At that point, you feel like a burden, everyone has to suffer dealing with you. The world will be a better place, your family will have an easier life. Depression twists your thoughts and reality, creating this alternate universe in your mind. If you've never experienced the crippling darkness, you don't get to judge me. Spend a few hours in my mind, and I'm sure you would want out too. It wasn't about want to die persay, but about ending the emotional and physical pain. And dying seemed like the only way to make the pain stop. It was about escaping unbearable pain when I couldn’t see any other option. You're tired. Tired of fighting, tired of the pain. Tired of trying and failing. Death is the ultimate sleep. It wasn't because I didn't have help. I had family, doctors, and therapist